Four underclassmen at Carver Center have been found Carverized in various hallways throughout the school. These students are luckily still responsive, but have been demonstrating odd behaviors associated with Carverization. While being the victim of Carverization appears to not effect overall health, our sources are still unsure of any long term effects. “It just happened to me. It was like, the second I walked in to school freshman year, it happened. I don’t really remember it,” one anonymous source stated. “For me it wasn’t immediate. I think it was gradual over time. I don’t know. Sorry,” stated another source.

HOW TO KNOW IF YOU OR YOUR LOVED ONES HAVE BEEN CARVERIZED

• Spontaneous piano playing.
• Behaviors or thoughts involving romantic scenarios with members of the same sex.
• Knocking on pieces of furniture when in agreement.
• An extreme craving for the dining hall’s signature spicy chicken sandwiches.
• Referring to school facilities in pretentious terms such as “dining hall,” “the commons,” or “the theatre.”
• Possessing left leaning political opinions.
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• Drastic hair cuts or colors seemingly out of nowhere.This is not a conclusive list. Everyone effected experiences getting carverized differently. If you or a loved one fear you may have been Carverized, we’re sorry, but there’s no known cure.Authorities are still unsure of who or what may be responsible. More information to come.