Garfield Bandit Causes Chamber Pot Conundrum

The end of the Garfield Bandit’s reign of terror is imminent. Following the recent rash of cat-vandalism, Carver Center administration has elected to prohibit entrance into every bathroom on campus. The Garfield illustrations, largely found on the walls and stalls of the girl’s restrooms, seem to be the impetus for this move. Industrial padlocks can now be seen on all restroom doors, and any attempts to break these locks by students have been unsuccessful. Speculation on the installation of retina scanners at every restroom to ensure Carver Center staff’s sole access have been confirmed. Eyewitness testimonies report seeing pallets of boxes bearing the name of retina scanner lock company, Wulian.

Students have expressed their discontent in various, colorful ways. Carpentry students have attempted to saw holes in the doors but were immediately apprehended. Literary arts students wrote lengthy and descriptive petitions to administration which were, according to an anonymous inside source, promptly thrown out. Carver Center administration’s solution to the locked bathrooms is to provide students with chamber pots, thanks to a hefty donation from the Carver Foundation. If you are without a chamber pot, they can be collected in the multipurpose room during wildcat time. Students, however, have begun emptying the contents into a steadily growing pile of refuse outside the main office. Janitorial staff refuse to clean the pile, citing breach of contract.

Upon mounting requests for further elaboration on their decision, administration released the following statement:

“To our Carver Center students and families,

Since our opening in 1993, Carver Center has strived to cultivate and maintain a tradition of excellence within our community. Our culture of collaboration and respect has allowed us to continue shaping lifelong learners and innovators. However, recent developments in the conduct of students have defied our Carver Center Culture. It is with great shock and sadness to Carver Center administration to see our campus defaced. Vandalism is a serious threat to our Carver Center culture, along with racism. With our tradition of excellence in mind, it is of the decision of Carver Center administration to permanently close all restrooms on campus. Students may use a Carver Center Chamber Pot for their lavatory needs. This was an incredibly difficult assessment to make, though Carver Center administration firmly believes it will bring about positive change and a return to our Carver Center excellence.

Stay Awesome Wildcats.”

More updates as the story progresses.